Confession: 217

Sometimes when you are in doubt of a current situation you reach back to the past. There was something special about being in your presence. You would do anything to keep my attention. Laughing until we couldn’t breathe every weekend. Laying be side each other but never touching. Sitting in each other presence, admiring each other genius and playful mind. Sometimes we would stay up late sharing stories of seduction and desire. I rolled my eyes when you had sex with her in the car while your girlfriend was asleep at home. I watched you create magic with your fingers and you would blush when I gave you compliments.

I used to look at my life and shake my head. So many tears and stories of a broken heart. I grab onto faith every time thinking this one will be like you. Then I see some other reflection and it’s not you again for the twentieth time.

Sometimes I think I’m not pretty enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m not desirable. I don’t know what these women did to capture someone like you. I don’t know what I did to turn you away from someone like me. I’m in the wrong body or perhaps a slave to the wrong mind. I don’t want to cry anymore but I can’t avoid the poison that most men possess.

So as I turn away from loving you this way, I see a new face. Someone who cares about me and loves unconditionally. I don’t have to pretend I can be myself. I can be funny, sweet and sexy while building something special.

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